The Joys of Being Healthy

It is amazing to be able to say I am a whole, happy,Mission Dolores. The worst storm of the season was
healthy, loving woman. I was sick for the first 40on its way and my roof was leaking profusely. I was
years of my life. Like millions of other human beings Iin dire straits financially, having been newly divorced. I
grew up immersed in the family disease of alcoholism.was preparing to fix it myself. Unfortunately my
For generations it has plagued my family. Theladder wasnt tall enough. I needed help. None of the
unbalanced life I led is so common in our society; Ifolks I knew were home that Saturday morning but I
didnt know anything was wrong. I was a participantnoticed an open door directly across from my house.
in the chaos, confusion, neuroses, pain and sufferingI hurried upstairs to the second story flat in the
which is present in dysfunctional families. I call it Theazure painted duplex and walked down the long
Dance of Death.I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri in thecorridor to the living room. There on the sofa was a
community of Clayton. The only memories I have ofguy watching the football game on T.V. I introduced
my father are when he would beat my brother andmyself and then proceeded to ask for his assistance.
me with his belt so severely my clothes would clingHe looked at me like I was nuts. The silence was
to the bloody strap marks on my legs. He woulddeafening. How often does a stranger enter your
make us wait for our punishment in our room beforeapartment with a request for help with a major
he dealt the ugly blows. My mother closed her eyesrepair? I was flushed with embarrassment but was in
to what was happening. Both of them partied ontoo deep to recover. Fortunately he agreed to help
weekends where I would find empty highball glassesme.This uncommon beginning signaled the magic that
scattered all over the living room. I had holes in th elay before us. The sparks flew. We went on our first
soles of my shoes while my mother would model adate within days of this meeting. Bryans car was
new diamond cocktail ring, winnings from a weeklybroken so we took the bus across the city to an
poker game. My dad was also a compulsive gambler.authentic Moroccan restaurant where we sat on
He died at the age of 45 when I was nine yearspaisley cushions and ate with our fingers. I remember
old.My mother attracted another alcoholic to her lifeclearly how primitive this felt and how natural it was
soon after my fathers death. They had a symbiotic,to be with him. He didnt seem the least bit
codependent and addictive relationship. Every tenconcerned about my age. I, on the other hand, was
days they would consume a case of scotch whichmore sensitive. I was still healing from the
was delivered to our apartment from the local liquorcodependent relationship of 12 years and had never
store. My mother never appeared drunk but she wasexperienced true intimacy. I wasnt sure it was the
distant, selfish and narcissistic. My step fathersproper thing to do but I couldnt help myself; I was
disease had progressed to the point he was visiblyfalling in love. I was scared because these feelings
inebriated most evenings. His attitude waswere coming so quickly.Bryan moved in with me
condescending, nasty and self righteous. He waswithin weeks of our first meeting. I remember
verbally abusive and drove his car while intoxicatedthinking if it didnt work out it would be easy to ask
on many occasions. When I think back to that periodhim to leave because all he owned was a T.V. For
of my history I remember keeping my personal lifeValentines Day he created a hanging wire mobile in
secret!!! I was ashamed of their behavior. I pretendedthe shape of intertwined hearts and presented it to
all was well and I began developing neurotic habits forme with flowers and chocolate. This type of
self preservation.In my teens I danced several daysthoughtful gesture is typical of Bryan. He has never
after school, participated in theater groups, worked inmissed a special occasion and has often surprised me
a department store and had creative life in my head.with jewelry when he returns from a business
I imagined the way I wanted my world to be andtrip.One evening in the spring we were waiting to
was in denial as to the truth in front of me. I becameboard a dinner train in Mendocino. A drunken man
obsessive, compulsive and an over achiever. Becauseapproached us and said, How come you two are
I worked so hard I accomplished a lot for a youngdressed up? Are you getting married? Bryan looked
girl but the reality was it was inspired by fear,at me and said, Yes, we are arent we? That was his
insecurity and a need for control.In college I devotedproposal. It was decided we would plan a wedding
myself to art and earned a B.S. in Education and afor later that year. But, first I needed to meet
M.A. in Painting and Ceramics from the University ofBryans mother.Just the thought of it terrified me!
Missouri. I was hired as a college instructor soon afterBryan and his mother, Sharon, have a rare bond. He
graduate school. I felt happy for a time because Iinsisted he would not tell anyone about our
was away from home and involved in teaching. Iengagement until she and I met. We drove to
took my job very seriously but the loneliness I feltsouthern California where Sharon was visiting her
when I was by myself was debilitating.I longed forsister, Bryans aunt. I felt sick the entire trip. I knew in
love . . . any kind. I didnt realize it at the time but Iadvance he was going to take his mother shopping
had never felt affection. I became preoccupied withthe next morning alone to break the news to her. I
thoughts of men. I had guys on my mind constantly!couldnt sleep at all that night. What felt so right to
I was popular and had many choices but I picked theBryan and me was unusual, especially in the eyes of
ones who I thought needed me. Most often theya parent. When they returned from their excursion
were from dysfunctional families. I dated a lot ofSharon looked like she had just come from a funeral.
drunks during my 20s. It felt familiar. In spite of myFortunately, for me, Aunt Toby accepted the
success as an artist and a teacher, I had low selfsituation and eased the tension by giving me a white
esteem and I knew something was wrong with me.Inangel ornament. His mother is a wonderful woman. In
l969 I began a new life in another city. Within a weekspite of her disappointment, she welcomed me into
of moving to Boston, Massachusetts, I was brutallytheir family. Over the years our relationship has
raped and hospitalized. I never received help with thisevolved into a unique friendship, a cross between a
trauma and didnt properly grieve until years later. Ipeer and a sister.December 7, 1986, dressed in an
pushed down the pain and was then, more thanivory colored Victorian gown, I was driven to our
ever, resolved to create the perfect life for myself,wedding in a horse drawn carriage. I remember the
(as if it were in my hands?)This was made easy forsensation well. As I heard the clip-pity clop of the
me when Joey Haudel entered my life. He filled thehoofs hitting the pavement I felt it was the happiest
position of my Knight in Shining Armour, albeit,day of my life. The ride was several miles long and I
distorted. He was young, handsome, and alcoholic andenjoyed cars honking loudly at every turn. When we
had just been released from prison. We needed eacharrived at the elegant Alamo Square Inn Bryan was
other like ducks need water. We bonded in awaiting to escort me inside to the nuptials. It was a
codependent relationship that lasted 12 years.Ourgood thing he took my hand, for as I exited the
experiences together were astounding. What Icarriage, my knees collapsed from shaking so hard.
learned about myself was profound. Our journey isThe day was spectacular marking a lifetime of
almost unbelievable. I have told this story in alove.Both Bryan and I had always wanted kids. By
dramatic narrative, I Survived: One Womans Journeythe time we met my biological clock had run out. He
of Self Healing and Transformation on DVD. It is filledtold me he would rather marry a woman he loved
with the dark world of illness and moves to the lightdeeply than to wait for someone to bear his children.
of wellness. I reached my bottom after years ofFor several years we were content to be a unit of
suffering. I was contemplating suicide but was savedtwo. After my dear Aunt Letha died in 1992 I longed
by the Grace of God and the dear voice of afor a child. Bryan agreed to adoption. It was an
telephone operator who kept me on the phone forarduous experience requiring patience and resilience.
over an hour.I spent years in recovery; beginningWe had several birthmothers who changed their
with Al-Anon meetings in 1973, several series ofminds for different reasons. This process took three
Adult Children of Alcoholic Therapy Sessions, individualyears and a great deal of money. Ultimately we were
therapy with numerous therapists and devouring selfblessed with a baby girl we named Mariah. Our
help books. I had the courage to look within and facedaughter is now 8 years old and the light of our life. I
the demons. It wasnt easy and many times I wantedam grateful I am able to be a good parent and I
to quit. I often felt I was too depressed to get well.relish every moment I spend with both of them as a
One step at a time I forged ahead and never lookedfamily.Bryan continues to be my rock, strength and
back! I visualized a healthy prognosis. Today I amloving support. During our years together I have had
living that beautiful picture!I am happily married to amany tragedies including: my brother Johns suicide in
man 19 years my junior. What makes our relationship1988, my ex- husband Joeys death from alcoholism in
extraordinary is that my husband was born in 19601989, and my girlfriend Debras suicide in 2002. I was
the year after I graduated from high school. I amhospitalized with a potentially life threatening blood
older than his mother. We recently celebrated ourclot in my lungs in 1998. Bryan stood by me through
17th anniversary and continue to share the mostall of these. I married a great guy! I am a fortunate
fabulous life. The secret of our success is our deeplywoman to have found true love in the heart of a
committed love for one another. We enjoy ayounger man.Each day I thank God for the gifts I
passionate romance. I wish what Bryan and I havehave been given. I see my world as peaceful and
could be sprinkled over the world like angel dust.Webalanced. My mission is to inspire people to their own
met in 1985 during a rainy winter in San Francisco.healing and recovery. It is truly possible to find
We were neighbors on a tiny street near the historicserenity, joy and love. If I can do it, so can you.